Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Sebelius Cancels IOM Contract, P2P Workshop, Blames Breakfast

Something she ate
Food finishes foolish funding

By A Lotta Blarney

WASHINGTON, April 1, 2014. Today, in an unprecedented move, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius announced a unilateral decision to cancel both the Institute of Medicine's contract to review diagnostic criteria for myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome as well as the NIH Pathways to Prevention Workshop on ME/CFS.

Calling the projects a “stupid waste of time and money,” she stated that all funding for the two panels would be immediately redirected to “legitimate scientific research” on the disease.

“I honestly don't know what I was thinking,” Sebelius told CNN. “Maybe it was something I ate.”

Thomas Frieden, director of the CDC, concurred that dietary issues may have been involved. “The ingestion of certain foodstuffs is known to produce temporary insanity,” he stated. “Rest assured that we are investigating this to the fullest.”

Secretary Sebelius' lapse in sanity may be widespread. A source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that other HHS staff may have been struck by the mysterious ailment, suggesting that it could be contagious.

But not everyone agrees that the illness is organic.

“What we are seeing here is a case of chronic mass hysteria,” said Dr. Stephen Seuss, a psychiatrist with the Mayo Clinic.

Dr. Seuss says that the general public has little to fear, as the condition – which he has dubbed “chronic fatuous syndrome,” or CFS - appears to primarily affect people in positions of authority.

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